Isn't This Illegal?
by MichaelSaniyan
Summary: Cindy needs more information about the Squidian to make progress with her research, and who knows more about our beloved Squid Girl than Sanae? It's just a matter of finding something that Sanae would want in return. - Oneshot.


How dare you accuse me, Cindy Campbell, of not doing my job? It might be true that on an ordinary day, I would spend my time at the lab or at Lemon, trying to find out more about the alien they're holding there.

However!

This is not an ordinary day. Our research has come to a humiliating halt. Even three additional MIT top-of-the-class scientists can't help my situation. Why is it that when we need new samples the most, we get banned from the place housing our extra-terrestrial specimen!'?

It's not like we did anything serious either. It wasn't our fault that Clark's newest invention went haywire and trashed half the place. That's what testing is for, to spot small bugs like that and fix them! But when I tried to explain this, that freaky squinting girl/possible alien life form just threw us out.

Such a devastating setback might've discouraged less passionate people, but we remain hopeful. We decided that we would stealthily infiltrate the facility to acquire the needed samples, and our plan is now in full motion.

Huh? Why is it that I'm not down at the beach? W-well, I have full faith in Harris and the others, and their dynamics as a trio would only be disturbed by my presence. Besides, I took on an equally important mission. I'm going to collect information about that Squidian, and tons of it. According to several trustworthy sources, a certain Sanae Nagatsuki is in possession of an overwhelming amount of research. My job today is to make sure miss Sanae agrees to share this with us. Admittedly, we didn't get off to the best of starts, but that's nothing that can't be remedied.

Then you might ask: "But Cindy, wasn't it your theory that the girl in question has been brainwashed by the Squidian?" And you'd be right, it was. Any person who endures so much pain and humiliation for someone who obviously dislikes you is definitely not normal, and her unwavering obsession is probably a sign of severe mental damage.

This will be a delicate procedure indeed. I mustn't mention the more intricate details of my examination plans, like the dissection. No, I must only appear interested in the Squidian's habits and other acceptable aspects. But these are interesting in their own rights, and will gladly carry out this mission if it means receiving a greater understanding of our universe!

"Um, what are you doing in front of my house?"

Crap, I got caught in the middle of my fist pump! Stop looking profoundly towards the horizon and focus, Cindy!

"A-ah, I was just...I just wanted to have a word with you."

"Wait, aren't you that alien researcher that wants to look at Ika-chan's entrai-"

"I've had a change of heart!" I fling an arm around my target's shoulder, furthering the friendly impression I'm trying to make. I was prepared for some resistance, of course. "You see, we have decided that the Squidian is too valuable a specimen to be ruined by our analysis."

I think her eye twitched at "ruined". Or maybe "specimen". I should choose my words a little bit better.

"S-so, you see, we are now only interested in the Squi...erm, Ika-chan on a behavioral and harmlessly anatomical plane. No entrails, no dissections, okay?"

"O...kay. Still, why are you here?"

She doesn't seem to believe me. Oh well, time to bring out my secret weapon. No girl can withstand the power of flattery, especially not coming from an authoritative, beautiful and overall more experienced woman like me! Just gonna change from friendly to nonchalant and voilá...

"Oh. Well, I only thought that since you are clearly the most knowledgeable when it comes to...Ika-chan...you could share some of that knowledge with a fellow fan. But I suppose it was stupid of me to think such a thing. Just because I admire your tenacity and passion, just because I can see how well you and Ika-chan fit together (Isn't that more disturbing than a measly dissection, really now?), of course that doesn't mean that you'll indulge a fool like me..."

Nicely done. Now, turn around and walk away with a defeated look about you. Don't look back! Give a disappointed sigh, just loud enough for her to hear. If my calculations are correct, and my calculations are _always _correct, then in about two seconds-

"...wait."

Success!

-I-

That was fast! This girl obviously has judgment issues under the effect of the brainwashing, considering a simple compliment got me into her house. Not only that, but I'm also getting progressively buried under increasingly bothersome pictures of the Squidian. I wish I was joking, but the photos are reaching my stomach right about now.

They started out fairly normal, just pictures of the Squidian posing in some weird outfits. Things that girls these days surely do. But then, the alien girl started looking more and more distressed as the shoot seemed to have went on. Still posing, still with a new outfit each time, but with a face that seemed to be on the verge of tears. It strikes me as strange that an alien would have so poor control over a victim. But she looks young to us humans, so maybe she's relatively young also for her own species, and she hasn't yet mastered all of her powers. Maybe she brainwashed miss Sanae on accident. The list of theories goes on, and I can't wait to discuss them with the others.

Back to the pictures. I'm sitting with my legs crossed, and once the photos began covering my legs, the Squidian was suddenly happy again. It didn't take me long to realize that the reason for this was that they were taken without her knowledge. At Lemon, in the Aizawa residence, in some school. There were a few photos of a non-smiling Squidian, but instead had the girl sleeping soundly in one place or another.

"So, what do you think? This is everything I could afford printing, sadly. The other nine batches are still just sitting on my computer."

Nine! That's...around five-thousand photos, then? What is this girl?

"They're very...extensive. Do you mind if I keep some of these?"

"Not at all, not at all. You can take anything you'd like that's rank C or lower."

Rank C or...oh, there is a marking on the back of this photo. It's a D, I think. She seriously took the time to evaluate every single photograph? I'm not sure whether to be impressed or freaked out anymore.

I decide to tell her that I'd like to see things besides pictures. While waiting for her answer, I search the pile around me for any photos showing off the Squidian using her different abilities. Most of these are E-ranked, maybe because the abilities are often used against the photographer, or because the glow-in-the-dark skill makes for terrible lighting.

Sanae nods, seeming to think that my lack of praise comes from utter astonishment, which is partially true. This girl makes us look like amateurs.

"I usually wouldn't show this to anyone, but I'll make an exception this time. For an admirer."

Oh, spare me...

Sanae ceremonially leads me over to her closet, and mumbles something that's scarily akin to a prayer before opening it. I'm somehow expecting even more photos to just pour out of the-oh. My. God.

"It's a closet, so I naturally have all my outfits in here."

My eyes don't know where to look first, so I thankfully focus on what Sanae is talking about. There are indeed clothes, an array of cosplaying items that range from generic to outrageous. Some of the clothes have blue tags attached to them, and the girl happily confirms my suspicions: the tagged items are things that "Ika-chan" has worn, and are not under any circumstances to be washed. I'm trying my best not to think about that too hard, going through the different roles in my head: Cheerleader, magical girl, French maid, shrine maiden, bunny girl, school girl in uniform, school girl in swimsuit...is that a shrimp outfit?

"And these..." Sanae pats a black box in the corner of the rather spacious closet. "...these are also photos, but this place is reserved for the A- and the F-ranked ones.

"I understand the A's, but why F's?" I hear myself ask, as if it was a perfectly normal question in a perfectly normal situation.

"Ika-chan is too perfect to deserve F-ranks, so these are just pictures of my enemies."

Enemies, she says...there's that Eiko girl, the Invasion Club members, and...wait, why am I in there? It's just a photo of me at the beach, trying my best to drag the Squidian back to our la...oh. That might've caused a slight misunderstanding.

"Judging from what you said, you won't try anything like this again, _right?_" Oy, what's with the threatening tone all of sudden! Her expression hasn't changed all, yet this is somehow worse than that Chizuru's stare.

"No no no, of c-course not, ahaha..."

"Good." With that, Sanae rips the photo into confetti and throws it in the bin. Puh. I'm guessing that means we're friends now, or at least not mortal enemies. Sheesh, I knew that this would be as dangerous of a mission as ordinary sample collecting. "My A-ranks are for example the ones where both me and Ika-chan are in the picture together. Look!"

The girl proudly holds up a blurry shot that appears to be taken mid-pouncing attempt. The alien is turned away from an oncoming Sanae, but one of her tentacles is raised, presumably to get rid of the threat. The only mystery is who took the picture, since both of Sanae's hands can be seen. Before I can take a closer look, yet another photo is thrown at me.

"You can borrow it if you need it for your research, but I'm going to be wanting it back. It's part of one of my favorite sets." The picture is taken from a skewed, top-down angle, probably from a changing room. Featured in its center is the Squidian, seemingly in the process of getting into her white swimsuit. Sanae just sits with a wry smile, again misinterpreting my silence.

Along with Sanae's expression, I have no trouble imagining what the other parts in the set are of. Not wanting to be rude, I carefully put the picture in my pocket and promise to return as soon as possible. Still, even if I did express an anatomical interest, this just feels really wrong somehow...

"This all really is impressive. And that last box, what's in-"

I'm interrupted by a loud beeping, the source of the noise being miss Sanae's alarm clock. The girl scurries across the room to turn it off, and then opens her laptop.

"Sorry, this will just take a second." My curiosity is piqued, of course, and I tear myself from the closet to go peek over her shoulder. The screen is divided into four equally big sections, each one showing a different room. It's surveillance equipment, I think. Though that looks an awful lot like- "Ika-chan usually comes home around this time of day, so I make sure to record those periods separately."

"I...see." That'd she go so far as to install cameras! Perhaps I should be saying something about the legal implications here, but I'm not _that _much of a hypocrite.

"Sorry for the interruption. I was just about to show you the crown jewel of my collection. But before that, I have a question. I don't really trust you, but I don't think that you're an outright lair either. Can you promise me that you won't do anything to hurt Ika-chan in the future?"

"Of course I can. We're researchers, not criminals. And if I can get the information I need from you, there will be much less need for any analysis." Less need, but still a need. But let's not mention that right now. Sanae nods, my answer satisfactory, and lifts out the last box with only the greatest of care. It isn't big, around shoe-box size, and a perfectly normal, close-up picture of the alien girl sits on top of it, framed and everything.

"I use this whenever I'm busy with things, but still need my daily dose of squiddy adorableness! I came into the habit of looking at it while eating, but it worked up such an appetite that I started gaining weight. It's very convenient, otherwise."

...no comment.

Sanae puts the picture aside, and then lifts off the lid of the box.

"It's still a work in progress, so don't be too harsh..."

"Amazing!"

"What?"

"This is amazing! Extraordinary! Breathtaking!"

My eyes must look like saucers, but I don't care in the least. For in this box are all the alien samples a lowly amateur like me would ever wish for. There are tufts of blue hair taped onto small amulet-looking objects. There is a sports drink bottle that apparently both "Ika-chan" and Sanae has taken a sip from, so it guess it counts as an indirect kiss...don't ask me why I know that.

"Well, I don't mean to brag, but I went through a lot of trouble collecting these things."

There are a row of test tubes, one filled with that strange black substance that the Squidian can spit. (Ink? Pft.) Another two contain transparent liquids, and I feel no need to ask when Sanae seems to ignore them. A fourth tube has a blue shred of something in it that looks like rubber.

"Is that..."

"A piece of Ika-chan's tentacles, indeed." While the pride remains, Sanae's voice gets lower. "I found it on the floor at Lemon, probably from the time Chizuru so carelessly assaulted my beloved squid!"

"Right. Been there."

"Were you also attacked?"

"Not me, but my co-workers. Not a bad word about the girl, but she should really be a bit more responsible about who she picks a fight with."

"I agree completely." Sanae nods sensibly. I think you could say that I've established a good connection with the target. And that's perfect, since I really, really want that piece of DNA. With it, just imagine the scientific progress we could make. "All my poor Ika-chan wanted was to invade the place a little, and she couldn't even let her have that."

"Can I have it?"

"What?"

"That bit of tentacle, can I have it?"

"Of course you can't! It's my most cherished item! Such an essential part of the sublime being that is-

"Yeah yeah, I know. But listen. If you come to the lab with me, I will prepare a gift for you, something I know you would absolutely love. And don't worry, I haven't started thinking that you're an alien too. I promise." Just that you're under the (admittedly poor) influence of one.

"I don't know about that. I'm a little busy here..."

It's my victory. She's curious now, and my hastily-put-together-at-this-very-moment plan will make sure that she will never be anything but happy to help us. All I have to do is grab her shoulders, stare into her soul with eyes burning with confidence, and say:

"One word, Sanae: Cloning."

-I-

"You know, I have a keycard. There was really no reason to punch through the blast doors. In fact, I'm not sure how you even-"

"So if I give you this, you'll make me my very own Ika-chan? Really!'?"

Why is it that she's scarier when happy than when she's mad?

"That's the idea. In return, I get that DNA sample _and_ full access to your archives. All of it."

"Deal!" I think her eyes just literally sparkled. Well, if a meager clone is all it takes, then I don't think we have a problem. I lead her over to the scrap corner of our facility, past the rows of cures to allegedly incurable diseases, past a quirky-looking machine that I think turns salt water sweet, and around the giant space-waster that is the cold fusion reactor.

"This is the cloning machine."

"...that's a blender."

"Let's agree that it's a very blender-like cloning machine." I don't really understand why Sanae is looking so suspicious. The human-sized, blender-like, bladed cloning machine is perfectly safe. According to Martin, at least. "Nevertheless, Martin accidentally made this when he tried designing an alien cryostasis chamber."

"Out of an oversized blender?"

"Well...yeah. But it turned into a cloning machine, quite logically."

"How is that even logical in the slightest?"

"You see, a blender divides objects, right? So if you were to reverse its functions, it would multiply objects instead. Simple physics, really." She doesn't seem to get it. Well, I wouldn't expect her to. It _is_ high-level science, after all.

"I really don't think that's how physics work."

"What are you, an MIT top-of-the-class graduate? Didn't think so. Now, put the sample into the little slot on the right...yeah, there. When you're done, just...back away a bit. Just in case."

I bring up the cloning software on the console to my left. It really takes a lot of electricity to keep these things online all the time. Then again, if you're government-funded, why not?

_Do you wish to start the cloning process?_

Yes.

_Are you sure?_

Yes.

_...really.  
><em>_There is a lot of complications, both moral and legal, attached to this decision.  
>Would you like to reconsider? <em>

Ye...I mean no! I swear, the lengths you have to go to just to keep the insurance companies happy...

_Analyzing DNA structure...  
><em>_Reverse engineering of base code initiated...  
><em>_Setting cutting unit speed to high...  
><em>_Reverse engineering completed.  
><em>_Beginning cellular assembly..._

The cylindric container had always made an awful racket. There was the whirring of spinning blades, that damn strobe light that Martin claimed was there for dramatic effect, same with the mist streaming out around the tube. Sanae looks impressed though, and while it can't hold a candle to our anti-extra-terrestrial equipment, it's a fine piece of dubitable science.

After about ten minutes of deafening and ear-piercing noise, the console happily reports that the cloning process has been completed. Though to both mine and miss Sanae's dismay, the blen...cloning machine is empty. The blade slows down pathetically, and I feel a drop of sweat roll down my forehead.

"Is it done? Where is my Ika-chan?"

"Um, there might've been a small error..."

"I knew I shouldn't have trusted you." I expect anger, but all I get is an annoyed sigh. Sanae walks up to the sample compartment, muttering something about crazy old scientists. I know I can't do anything to stop her, and I'm too disappointed in myself to care. I'll give Martin a piece of my mind when he gets back, letting something so useless lie around littering th-

"Squii!~"

I hear a loud gasp, and I suddenly have an uncomfortably clingy Sanae around my waist, her eyes glittering in a very unnerving manner.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou..."

I look over at the cloning machine again, and I understand what's gotten into the girl. I've created...a mini Squidian. That's really the best way I can describe the tiny creature who is sitting in the sample compartment with a cautious look on her face. It's a miniature version of the alien girl, even her clothes are the same. ...okay, that actually doesn't make sense at all. But it's better than a naked mini-alien, so I'm not complaining.

"You're welcome...?"

"She's adorable! So small and...and cute and tiny, and...and...kyaaah!~" Sanae runs back to the machine and scopes up the Squidian with infinite care, even in her excited state. My creation looks terrified at first, but Sanae holds out a finger and lets the mini-Squidian poke it with her mini-tentacles to make sure it's safe. When she's convinced, she smiles happily and hugs the finger. Not that cautious after all, huh?

"Is it really okay if I keep her?" Sanae asks in a way that makes me feel like my answer won't matter. But it's a small price to pay, and the mini-Squidian will be a lot easier to hide than a life-size version. I wonder if I could make more of those with some more samples...

"As long as you uphold our end of the deal, sure."

"Of course I will! Just come by if you need anything. Come on, little Ika-chan, Sanae will take you to your new home. Do you like shrimp?"

"Squii, squii!~"

"Of course you do. Sanae will make sure you have all the shrimp you can eat. Oh, I just realized something. None of my outfits will fit you! That's fine though, I know exactly the place to get something your size. I bet tiny paws would make you even cuter!"

A squid cat? I know she's an alien, I'm just trying to think like Sanae...which maybe is a bad idea in the first place. Ah, she's gone now, who cares? That went pretty well, all things considered.

In fact, at the end of the day, I'd have to call this mission a huge success. I've gathered heaps of research, and we now might have access to a great selection of alien DNA. But even with all these improvements to our situation, why does it feel like I haven't really done much? Tch, what kind of way to think is that? Positive thoughts, Cindy. I do believe I hear Harris and others coming back now. I'll go greet them, hold a debriefing, and then we might even crack open a bottle of cham...of...of...

...

"Why the hell are you three naked!'?"

"Mission failed, yahoo!"


End file.
